Baths and Titans
by Kokiri-Hylian-Hero
Summary: In which Levi cannot catch a break, Connie breaks some dishes (just one thing, actually) four Titans show up, Krista and Ymir spend some time together, Sasha munches on a potato, Jean and Eren fight each other, and Mikasa does the impossible-fight Titans with tree branches! For my friend Maria, of the username group MariaTJackson, I hope this gave you laughs and made you LOL.


Levi hummed a lively tune to himself as he arranged his clothes and stepped back, thinking of what he may have forgotten, but nothing popped out at him, so he began to undress.

* * *

"Krista, what brings you by so late in the day?" Ymir watched as the blonde in her light blue, simple but elegant gown thought she sneaked down a hall to her room.

"Oh, hi! Umm...surprise?" Krista held out her hands and twirled, glancing back the way she came.

"Yes...a very lovely surprise...but who do you have there?" Ymir stepped aside and Connie walked into view, his light blue checkered pajama set made her cringe every time she saw it, since it _perfectly_ matched Krista's clothes, talk about a fashion statement.

"Captain's favorite teacup is...in a bowl...in the kitchen...and in pieces." Connie seemed understandably frustrated, then finally lashed out at nothing in particular, "It's so stupid, it was just on the counter and then—and then it wasn't, it was just on the floor so fast!"

"Connie, go find the pieces." Ymir ordered, getting out of bed, and floating across the room in her burgundy nightgown, or at least, Krista would say she was floating, "Krista, we need an adhesive."

"The storage closet should have something." Krista remarked, leading Ymir to the storage closest, "You're really nice, Ymir."

"How many times do I have to tell you, I'm collecting favors."

"That's a lie, and you know it—have you even brought up Sasha's favor yet?"

"Was that her name? No, not yet, I'm planning on it, some day." Ymir broke eye contact and spotted the sign that Levi posted, in case anyone lost the storage facility.

"Ymir, can I tell you a secret?" Krista gestured for Ymir to lean down, and complied, awaiting the whispered message, "You're a horrible liar!" Krista bounded up ahead, singing her critique as she opened the storage room door.

"I'll hold you up, and you find the glue—I just hope we have the nontoxic kind!" Ymir remarked, and Krista nodded.

Ymir held Krista up bridal style and Krista grabbed the glue, "Uh...wait, why did you have to hold me up?"

"Because!" Ymir stated, and kissed Krista on the cheek. Krista hummed, but kept all observations to herself, since she really didn't feel like breaking the silence anyways.

"Hey, hurry up you two, here are the pieces, hurry!" Connie shouted, holding out the shattered teacup in his gloved hands.

"What, are you an idiot?! Why didn't you stay in the kitchen?!" Ymir roared, setting Krista on her feet to properly yell at Connie.

"Because, someone was walking up the hall!" Connie shrieked, then turned to the shadow of a looming figure on the other end of the hall, "They followed me?!"

"Idiot, into the hall, you have to face the music if you sing off key!"

"What?! Wait, is that even a thing?!" Connie cried, shrinking against the door and holding his hands on his head, "Please I'll do anything, I'll clean your room for a week—eight weeks, eighty years, name your price, just please, spare me!"

He looked up as Levi chomped into a potato—and realized it was Sasha, "My room is always clean, though...but, thanks for the offer? I don't know, kind of weird for you to offer to clean my room."

"Please, Levi, I—Sasha? Oh, Sasha, I've never been so happy before, I could kiss you!"

"And I could go for a steak." she countered, "Besides, that's a bad follow up for promising to clean my room."

"Huh? Oh—oh!" Connie blushed and stared at the floor, "No, no, no, no, no! No, no! No, no, no see, that—you've got it all wrong, all kinds of wrong!"

"How?" Sasha gave him a curious stare as she munched the potato, in the back of her mind she decided that these could use salt.

"Umm...Ymir, you two can get out of the closet now!" Connie changed the subject and immediately got a high eyebrow from the Potato Girl.

"N-no, I mean it, they're in the storage closet!" his amendment piqued Sasha's curiosity.

"Why...what's going on?" Sasha turned the doorknob and found two sleeping Titan slayers with a blanket over the blonde, who was snuggled up against the brunette, who had a quilt thrown half over her so it didn't interfere with Krista's setup, "Ah, how long did you lock them up for?"

"No, I didn't lock anyone up!"

"You held the door there just so you could make a horrible closet joke?"

"What, no!"

"Hey, Ymir, Krista, wake up—wow, they're out! Hey...I better fold these up for these two!" she pulled at the blanket and quilt and folded them up as the pair relinquished them, then jumped when a familiar, authoritative, and dangerous voice disturbed the otherwise peaceful air.

"May I help you?" Sasha wasn't expecting Levi, if she was right, he was never available at this hour, and here he was in a bathrobe, it looked like his usual clothes, which actually made sense.

"Uh...no, no! No, not at all, we're fine, it's all good here!" Sasha insisted loudly, squeezing her potato until part of it hit the ground, "Sir, I will clean that myself, I promise! And how convenient that it should be here, am I right?!"

"Sasha, there's something behind you." Levi observed, his calm voice strangling her nerves.

"Ah, what?!" Sasha jumped and turned to look for whatever it was.

"I mean the something made up of two somethings on the ground...they are a thing right?" Levi wasn't really curious about his soldiers, it was more a guess, and a way to shift the conversation to the now awake Titan exterminating couple.

"Sir, yes, Sir, they are canon!" Connie yelled.

"Can—no, I won't even ask." Levi shook his head and gestured for Sasha to step aside, "Why are you two in here?"

"Umm, we were looking for some glue, for Connie." Krista yawned, and Levi sighed. Not like he could be angry at her anyways, but he was completely unable to come up with anything to say, but he had to turned to Connie to complete his inquiry.

"What did you need glue for?" Levi asked, annoyed that the soldier kept looking down and holding his hands behind his back, it's like he wanted Levi to _make_ him look Levi in the eye. And so he did, "It's a simple question with a simple answer...think of the thing that's broken, and name it."

Connie searched for any word that made sense and came up with the closest thing his tired mind could come up with.

"Potato! I-I mean, chair, no, door! I can't even talk straight!" Connie yelled fearfully. Levi squinted and let go of Connie's head, backing away.

"So it's a door? Did you split it's side?"

"It—it's the doorknob...yeah, yeah, the doorknob got kicked off the hinges! Well, I kicked it...I was...wrestling with someone! It was just sparring, just an accident!" Connie was looking at Sasha and shaking his head, tilting his head back to denote his room several times.

Sasha nodded and Connie nodded, then turned back to Levi.

"Why do you keep doing that with your head?" Levi smacked him upside the head and made Connie spin, "Come on, I didn't hit you that hard...I could hit much harder, just ask Eren."

"Sir, I request permission to toss the potato I spilled!" Sasha held out half the potato and Levi squinted disbelievingly.

"Where's the rest of it?" after she gave him a curious glance he groaned and took a deep breath, "The potato, where's the rest of the potato?!"

"Oh!" Sasha shouted,fully understanding the question now, "Sir, the rest of the potato is in my stomach, Sir!"

"You ate it that fast? Fine...go away." Levi said offhandedly, shaking his head. Potatoes were generally too dry for him to eat so quickly without salt—but Sasha could eat anything, a born survivor, though he did have to wonder what the culinary limits were, since everyone had at least one type of food they wouldn't eat.

Sasha nodded and started off in the direction of Connie's door. She noticed how tired and distracted Levi seemed, and grumpy, too.

"Wait a minute!" Levi snapped out of his musings about Sasha's diet and his hand flew up to catch Sasha by the hair, "I came here for my teacup...the perpetrator is among us...by us I mean you, someone has my teacup and I want it back. It wasn't in the kitchen and somebody ran from there...Sasha, you're ridiculously lucky, chances are you went left and I went right, losing your trail as Connie vanished around the corner, or Connie has it and you came over in after me when I lost Connie's trail in the west hall, or it's you two, hiding in the storage closet, alone...but no, you wouldn't corner yourselves...that's an idiot's tactic."

An eerie silence settled over the four, as realization hit Levi, "It's Connie's tactic!"

Levi turned as he flipped back, kicking Connie into the wall, the young man dropped the shards in favor of holding his hands to brace for impact.

"Connie!" Levi yelled, running after the culprit.

"So...does that mean I don't have to break any doorknobs?" Sasha asked, turning to the pair behind her, "Okay, I'm going to the kitchen, then!"

"Now what, Ymir?" Krista turned to Ymir, who grinned.

"Let's go up to the roof!" Ymir suggested.

"Okay!"

* * *

Connie turned around, eyes wide as the cool headed Levi chased him down jumping and weaving past Bertholdt and Reiner, wearing blue and red, respectively, meanwhile he crashed into Eren, Mikasa, and Jean, wearing yellow, brown, and gray, respectively, "Get him!" Levi shouted.

"Got it!" Eren and Jean replied in unison, and turned to go and grab the rouge, but bumped into each other and danced until they knocked Mikasa to the ground, "Mikasa!" they cried out as they knocked their friend to the floor.

"You knocked down Mikasa!" they accused each other and immediately clasped hands, blocking Levi's path forward.

"It's up to you now, Mikasa." Levi murmured, tempted to crack some skulls, but his bath took priority, he'd have to drink his tea in a bowl, and at this rate he'd need to take it to his bath if he wanted to get to bed on time and have his usually luxurious thirty minute long bath, "May Connie rest in pieces...like my teacup."

* * *

Connie didn't hear anything behind him now, but his instincts told him to run. Turning he saw why.

Behind him, running as calmly yet furiously yet serenely, was Death and Beauty, the Goddess of Grand Beginnings and Excruciatingly Painful Ends herself, Mikasa Ackerman.

He yelped as his heart leapt into his throat, and he was tempted to help Mikasa out and spit it out onto the floor, "Why are you chasing me, now?!"

"You hurt Eren!" Mikasa shouted, and Connie said a pray on the run. He prayed that a Titan would fall out of the sky and save him from the pain Mikasa surely planned for him. Suddenly the door opened and he found that Armin was just coming in from feeding the horses, and Connie noticed Armin seemed to notice Mikasa behind him, for his resolve strengthened and he prepared to stop Connie, only to get knocked to the ground. Behind him Mikasa unleashed a death cry, and somehow increased her speed. Just as Death herself was descending upon him, four Titans fell around the fighters, probably from the mountain above them.

"Mikasa!" Armin yelled, pulling her back.

"No, we will fight these things!" Mikasa lead the two to a tree they used for practice, and she let them scramble up the ladder and stepped onto a rake's teeth, bringing it up to her hand, and unleashed her death cry once more. Titans were going to die tonight.

* * *

Levi was enjoying a bath with bubbly soap and a special instrument to assist him in reaching his back, taking a sip of tea from the bowl floating around him.

"Rub a dub...dub...what?" Levi turned to the window and frowned, "Titans...very well."

He took another sip and prepared to fight.

" _And this was supposed to be time to relax...first my teacup, and now this...could this be a death wish that was somehow granted for the sole purpose of interrupting my bath? Mikasa must inspire great fear, if that's the case...but she never seemed especially angry with me after I smacked Eren around...maybe there's something I'm not seeing."_ casting the thoughts away to clear his mind, Levi rose from the bubble bath and pulled a hand towel off a nearby rack, " _I'm taking another bath after this!"_

* * *

"That group looks like a fish." Krista giggled, pointing up at the stars she was pointing at.

"You're right, it does...whoa, does that one look like a potato?!" Ymir chuckled and turned to Krista, who was thoroughly entertained.

"What, real—oh! That _does_ look like a potato!"

"That one looks like—a Titan!" Ymir slid her arms under Krista as Krista began to object to the group Ymir had been pointing at just a second earlier.

"No it does—ah!" Krista noticed the Titan next to her after it smashed through the fence around the roof, and turned to Ymir, who had whisked her away just in time, "Ymir."

"It's fine!"

"But we don't have our O.D.M. Gear!"

"We just need to stay alive!" Ymir set Krista on her feet and backed up, "If Levi were, then-"

Suddenly the Titan fell back, and an indecent Levi twirled out of it's arm, a stoic expression as his O.D.M. Gear acted as a belt for the hand towel he wore, "This is an inconvenience." he noted before fired his grapples into the Titan's neck and retracted them just as he entered biting range, using a little fuel to back up, not even his waist cloth was caught in the teeth of the Titan. He blasted forward, spinning through the Titan's neck.

He turned to find the source of a heavy sound, like a Titan in the woods falling.

* * *

He headed into the woods to find Armin swaying Connie in and out of range of two Titans, keeping him occupied until Mikasa threw rocks at him, at which point the boys tossed a rock at the Titan's ear, running away from the Titans. Mikasa climbed up a tree and whistled, then tore a branch free and sharpened it to razor sharpness. When the Titans stomped by her tree, Mikasa leapt out, a fistful of pebbles in the monster's eyes, the Titan cried out and lifted threw it's head back. She stabbed deeply as the back of the neck leaned forward again, and pulled the stick towards her, killing the Titan instantly.

She turned to find Levi standing among knee high bushes he held his blades up, rubbing them against some hand towel that was hung on a branch, a towel she hadn't seen before.

"Captain, thank you for the assist." Mikasa stepped forward before counting herself lucky that Levi's waistline was _also_ knee high, she couldn't remember a more embarrassing moment than this one instance of her commanding officer running about almost completely disrobed, save his O.D.M. Gear, and her face turned bright red as she thought how best to escape the situation before Levi unabashedly turned around, or before someone said something to make him turn around, "Uh, I-I'll be taking my leave, now!"

"Yeah, Cap, thank—ah!" Connie shouted as he realized a truly remarkable a notable phenomena, "You're not wearing any pants!"

"No...I suppose I left them with my other O.D.M. Gear."

"What?! Other...never mind."

Armin raised his eyebrow as the three left Levi, and whispered, "At least he landed in a good spot, you know, self censorship."

* * *

Krista and Ymir ran up to the group of three in their gear, but Mikasa waved her hand down, "Where's the captain?" Krista inquired, worried that something happened.

"He's cleaning his blades." Mikasa said factually, and Connie wondered how she wasn't panicking after their leader showed up underdressed.

"In the buff!" Connie added after Krista sighed, relieved that everyone was still safe, only to make her jump.

"He what?!" Krista shouted, "That—has he no shame?!"

"Apparently not." Armin added, "The bushes were the only thing keeping the rating down, we were lucky, though, I think that last Titan turned to see Levi fly past him, and maybe wished he hadn't!"

* * *

Eren and Jean had passed out on the floor, while Krista and Ymir, waiting up for the glue to dry on the teacup, fell asleep on a couch, which was comfortable enough even without blankets. Levi finally got his bath, and Zoe hardly slept at all, having been notified of a side project that she nearly jumped for.

* * *

Later the next morning, Levi dragged Jean and Eren to the mess hall from the main hall where they'd passed out, "These two were pulling a regular all night wrestling match. Well, aren't we lively today?" he addressed the silent people who had all heard of the teacup being broken.

Suddenly the doors at the other end flew open and Zoe crashed past people and chairs, holding what Levi dared not hope was what he thought it might be.

" _My teacup—reborn?!"_

"Your teacup, Captain, remastered!" Zoe cheered.

Levi held out his hand, ready to accept the teacup, but Sasha, pouring herself another cup of tea, also poured Levi his tea, and at this moment Jean and Eren woke up and rose, glaring at one another, each covered in scratches and bruises.

When they didn't fight Zoe stepped forward, tea in hand, and held the cup out to Levi, who saw places where it hadn't been perfectly sanded, glazed, to cover up the glued spots and give appearance of a brand new teacup, but he appreciated that it was noticeable, so that he would know it was the same cup, and it did add a certain character. Briefly he thought to give Connie a promotion, very briefly...he must have been tired still.

Zoe smiled as the two young men held their peace instead of initiating another match, and set one foot down, and then another, at that _very same moment_ the boys closed their eyes and their hands intersected where Zoe was about to set her foot down. The resulting shatter of air as Levi was hit with hot tea and the sight of his precious teacup in pieces once more was enough to split the fabric of existence.

To say that there were punishments of kitchen duty and fund raising is not to say that they got off easy, Levi made sure to point out the stains on the floor, sometimes kicking one of the two onto their sides as the memory of his loss swelled within him.

 **Author's Notes: For Maria, of the username group MariaTJackson, I hope you liked this!**


End file.
